Living With a Runner. Or The Life of Brian. I have the advantage (?)of having known Brian when his idea of exercise was walking across the road to the bus stop or crawling home from the pub. He was then easy going and non-obsessive and I have to say that I blame Evan Cameron for turning him into the obsessed fitness freak he now is! For the purposes of this article I will briefly comment on each of "Brian Howie's Shorts" as they appeared in ESH/CofE Herald. 1. Training Tips Not much I can say about these really although on one of these - "Don't race on Sunday - do your long run." - I do have a theory. The long run is merely an excuse not to do anything more constructive e.g. gardening, painting etc. "Get hold of race results" - Why do runners have an obsession with P.Bs? - their own and everyone else’s. People sit around at parties discussing them for hours. The nearest thing \I can compare it to is vets (the ones who treat animals, not aged runners) obsession with rubber gloves! 2. Training Schedules. In truth Brian does not have any. He runs because he's addicted so when he feels like running - he runs. He tends to get up very early to run. this does not fit easily with my lifestyle as by the time I'm awake he's ready to go to bed. He insists he must do a long run on Sunday (see 1,), When we visit his parents in Troon he starts off early and I pick him up in a lay-by just past Breich. I am expected to time this exactly as he gets very irritated if he has to wait. 3, You Become what you eat. I have to be fair - he is easy to feed. As long as I provide Shreddies, CHOCOLATE, chips, H.P. Sauce (the only thing he doesn't eat it with is Shreddies) and the occasional Indian meal (preferably one of Colin's), he is quite happy. I emphasise CHOCOLATE as he is even more addicted to it than he is to running. If deprived for more than 24hrs he tries to eat anything which looks vaguely like chocolate e.g. the coffee table. I dread to think what would happen if he was deprived of both at once. He would have to be locked up for his own safety. There is of course "The Diet" but more of that under another heading. 4. You are what you wear. Here again he is easy. He really doesn't care what he wears. Most of his training kit comes under two headings :- 1. Given away free at the end of races or 2. Thrown out by other members of the family. The second heading explains why he sometimes wears things which are inappropriate for a Vet e.g. Doc Martens sweatshirt. Perhaps this is also the time to reveal that the infamous "baggy shorts" were once used for P.E. at Tynecastle School. You can't write about training kit without coming to the awful subject of SOCKS. I dread anyone coming to my door with the Daz Doorstep Challenge. In his article Brian states that sports socks are white- Why? In actual fact it is possible to buy black sports socks, so I have a suggestion to make to Cross Country runners. Everyone should buy identical black socks. As well as keeping their looks this would eliminate the problem of "odd socks". It would not matter if you picked up someone else's socks after a race - they would all be the same! 5. A day at the races. I pick my races carefully. I only go to races in places I want to visit. I encourage participation in races up North as I like to return to my roots. Galloway is also acceptable but I avoid places like Clydebank and Greenock. I also like the weather to be nice. For this reason I avoid Cross Country unless the race is somewhere like Irvine (meet an old friend for coffee) or Aberdeen (meet Neil for lunch). Cross Country is NOT a spectator sport unless you are a masochist. 6. The Marathon Man ( including all races over 10k) Well what can I say about this. In my opinion there are many easier ways to cover 26 miles - car, bus, train etc. I suppose I should not knock marathons altogether as I've had some good weekends in very nice hotels, courtesy of the sadly lamented Loch Rannoch Marathon. I tolerate the Lochaber because it is within easy reach of Fort Augustus but you certainly would not do it for the prizes. Where is that Krook Lok? I suppose under this heading I must include the Edinburgh to North Berwick as this race represents my sole contribution to running. My paste table and I turn up at Mussleburgh each year come rain or shine and I can then feel virtuous for doing my bit for another year. I promised earlier to cover "The Diet". Brian complains about having to eat it but I have to make it. A lot of ingenuity is needed to make a meal with nothing but protein - carbohydrate is easier - chips and steamed pudding! 7. Hill Running for fun and profit. I have to say that the only time I've seen hill runners having fun is at the post Carnethy 5 Ceildh. That really is fun and I would recommend it to anyone. Apart from that I don't think fun is a word you could use for hill running. Nobody who saw Brian at the end of last year's Larig Ghru could think he'd had fun. He was covered with blood and managed to use the stock of Elastoplast for the entire race. Mind you it was an excellent post-race excuse "I was in the lead until I fell over." Hill runners are different from other people. They hate to be thought soft. At Ben Nevis there was almost a riot when the police would not allow anyone to start unless wearing full body cover as there was a blizzard at the top. A lot of men took this as a personal insult. They were quite capable of running through the snow in a mesh vest and shorts. At the end of the race most of the fully clothed runners were suffering from frost bite, but not one would admit that the police were right. Perhaps this explains why hill runners look so old. You have to be very careful at the end of a race not to ask anyone if they are a vet. This can cause great offence if they are actually in their early 20s. On the other hand the all look about the same age so people in their 60s can pass as 40 year olds. So, in conclusion, a cautionary note to all you runners:- Have you noticed a glazed look in your partner's eyes? Do you sometimes find them in a corner banging their head against the wall? Are they drinking more than usual? STOP - THINK - Maybe you've mentioned your P.B. once too often. (only joking - honest)